Wednesday, 3 February 2016

A Tiger in the Hand is Worth Two in the Zoo

It's my daughter's 6th birthday today.

For her special presents she wanted a Power Ranger (Chase from Dino Charge) and a tiger.

The Power Ranger was plucked from the toy shelf in Asda.

The tiger was a little more tricky. Funnily enough the zoo wouldn't part with any of their stripy felines so I made this card for her instead.

 
My little lady thought that a tiger drawn by mummy was ultra fabulous and does not poo on the carpet either.

Friday, 29 January 2016

Handy Crafts Gone Wrong!

I have promised to make my daughter a blanket from all her old baby clothes for ages now. Too late I realised I am rubbish at sewing. I have sewn this blanket to my trousers, to our duvet and to itself. I skewered by thumb with the needle and had to put a plaster on it. I then sewed the plaster to the blanket. Thank goodness it's now finished before I sew myself up in a straight jacket!

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Whirlwind Park Adventures

To the external world I smile and speak positively about venturing to the local park with my tiddlets.

Internally I am not nearly so positive. One child explores the park in a gentle, methodical manner, enjoying each activity along the way. The other flies round in a whirlwind of heightened excitement. Barely has his bottom sat on a swing and he's wriggling off in a frenzied fever rushing for the slide.

It is at these times that I wish I had the eyes of a Chameleon. While I appreciate having two bulbous eyes swivelling in opposite directions may look disturbing on a human it would appease my anxieties about keeping an eye on both children at the same time.

I am more on the paranoid side of child safety and believe there is a potential pervert hiding in every bush so any crowded scene with my children running wild fills me with terror.

Then there is the dreaded moment where they want to have a go on the roundabout. Not once, I stress NOT ONCE have they played on a roundabout without suffering an injury of somesort. The roundabout is basically a wheel of death.

There is the treacherous moment of getting on the swirling, hypnotic wheel that seems to draw everything towards it like a black hole. Rarely does it come to a complete halt necessitating your child to do a 'grab and leap' action to secure a place. At the tender ages of 3 and 5 my two do not possess great levels of dexterity or co-ordination (neither do I at the grand age of 38 either!) and so there is this heart stopping moment where their dear little hands reach for a handle flying past and they take the leap of faith.

Most times they go in too aggressively and find themselves flying backwards after being rebuffed by the wheel of bad fortune.

If your tot manages to get on without winding themselves, they then spend a few agonising moments clinging to a bar battling with central fugal forces beyond their control. Watching little folk cling to this medieval machine of terror is rather like watching a rodeo, which child will fly off first? Yet they go back again and again like moths to a flame.

Perhaps the humble roundabout is a testimony to human nature - we just can't help doing things that are not that good for us!


Sunday, 17 January 2016

Mrs Misfit serves up brisket with socks and pants

Extract from Mrs Misfit's Diary:

January 17th - Brisket with socks and pants

I have decided to try a different roast for each Sunday for the following reasons:

1. Betsy and Arthur will eat anything that's covered in gravy.
2. We can dine out on leftovers for the rest of the week.
3. I can make huge batches of proper gravy and freeze them so that I can hide veg under it at any time (see point 1).
4. Socks and pants dry very well on the handle of the oven door or on the lid of the slow cooker.

So I plopped a lovely brisket joint over sliced potatoes in my oven, draped our freshly laundered underwear over the oven handle and left it for a couple of hours to go for a brisk family walk in the wintry lanes.

There are two published tales of the hilarity and woe Marianne suffers trying to be a fabulous woman, wife and mother and only succeeding in being a domestic misfit.

Funny Festivities:  amzn.to/1OBSaGY

It is Autumn for Marianne Misfit. The weather is glorious and golden but there is the usual haphazard hilarity. Despite a farcical attempt at fancy dress, Marianne manages to survive the Halloween party from hell. The family trip to see the fireworks is a disaster ending in Marianne mud wrestling her daughter and her husband Andy trapped in a port-a-loo facing a three year old with a bad stomach. Christmas has lost its glow as Marianne is facing the problem of existing on a tight budget whilst trying to afford the usual presents and food. To make matters worse she has invited her snooty parents-in-law for Christmas dinner. Things get so bad that she almost calls the whole thing off claiming her children are infested with head lice. Her two friends Patsy and Lottie have different anxieties of their own, namely absent husbands and sore buttocks. Will Marianne salvage any Christmas presents from the goats? Will Lottie's blog continue whilst Colin's bottom is so sore? Will Patsy ever find out what her partner Jerry is getting up to in Thailand?




Funny Love:  amzn.to/1Jw0Oqd

When Marianne Misfits visits her ever so perfect neighbour Patsy, she inadvertently opens a can of worms. Talking about ham stuck to her slipper somehow transforms into an embarrassing dissection of her her sex life with her husband.
With their lunatic assumptions, odd advice and utterly embarrassing behaviour, Marianne's friends encourage her to embark on a series of hilarious attempts to spice up her love life with disastrous results, trips to Marks and Spencer will never be the same again.

Will Marianne finally get to the bottom of what her husband really wants in the bedroom?
Is Patsy's life as perfect as it seems?
And will Lottie's geraniums ever recover from the horrors of her 'Happy Ending Harness'?
This is a romantic comedy of misfits trying to spice up their sex lives and offering friendship of the heartfelt but humiliating kind.
This tale of one woman's plight to spice up her marital relations will have you either laughing at her misadventures or relating to her misguided but very real insecurities.

Friday, 15 January 2016

Oh for a grown up, waterproof onesie!

I am never properly attired for the freezing weather. I seem to favour layering various clothes of inappropriate lengths and materials. When I see my little boy pootling along in his all-in-one weatherproof outfit suitable for mountain expeditions in the North Pole I wonder whether I could wear a grown up one out and about and still maintain my dignity!

Thursday, 14 January 2016

Would you go to a party where this chapr was serving the cocktails?

 
This is Humphrey who is always in charge of the drinks at a party in Peggy and Polly's house. I won't say what's in the eyeball trifle though I'm told it's delicious!
 

Wednesday, 13 January 2016

A disturbed night for Mrs Misfit

Extract from Mrs Misfit's Diary:

January 13th

Terrible night. Woke with perpetual wheeze in my chest like a death rattle. This lead to worries that the children were suffering in the same manner and therefore couldn't breath. This necessitated numerous futile trips into their bedroom to stare at them in the semi-darkness and listen to their breathing.

Sleep finally came in the early hours only to be disrupted by Betsy telling me she had a bogey and needed a wee.

Shortly after Betsy was safely returned to her nest the dog started whining because he thought we were all getting up. Fumbled my way down the dark, cold stairs to let him out. I then stood for twenty minutes at the back door, in the teeth of a wintry wind at six in the morning whilst watching a dog repeatedly change its mind as to where it wanted to wee.

Retuned to bed just in time for the alarm to go off signalling that I had one snooze of 10 minutes before I had to get up. Andy's snore ended with the words, 'I'm tired.' I could have cheerfully smacked him in the face - but resisted of course.


There are two published tales of the hilarity and woe Marianne suffers trying to be a fabulous woman, wife and mother and only succeeding in being a domestic misfit.

Funny Festivities:  amzn.to/1OBSaGY

It is Autumn for Marianne Misfit. The weather is glorious and golden but there is the usual haphazard hilarity. Despite a farcical attempt at fancy dress, Marianne manages to survive the Halloween party from hell. The family trip to see the fireworks is a disaster ending in Marianne mud wrestling her daughter and her husband Andy trapped in a port-a-loo facing a three year old with a bad stomach. Christmas has lost its glow as Marianne is facing the problem of existing on a tight budget whilst trying to afford the usual presents and food. To make matters worse she has invited her snooty parents-in-law for Christmas dinner. Things get so bad that she almost calls the whole thing off claiming her children are infested with head lice. Her two friends Patsy and Lottie have different anxieties of their own, namely absent husbands and sore buttocks. Will Marianne salvage any Christmas presents from the goats? Will Lottie's blog continue whilst Colin's bottom is so sore? Will Patsy ever find out what her partner Jerry is getting up to in Thailand?




Funny Love:  amzn.to/1Jw0Oqd

When Marianne Misfits visits her ever so perfect neighbour Patsy, she inadvertently opens a can of worms. Talking about ham stuck to her slipper somehow transforms into an embarrassing dissection of her her sex life with her husband.
With their lunatic assumptions, odd advice and utterly embarrassing behaviour, Marianne's friends encourage her to embark on a series of hilarious attempts to spice up her love life with disastrous results, trips to Marks and Spencer will never be the same again.

Will Marianne finally get to the bottom of what her husband really wants in the bedroom?
Is Patsy's life as perfect as it seems?
And will Lottie's geraniums ever recover from the horrors of her 'Happy Ending Harness'?
This is a romantic comedy of misfits trying to spice up their sex lives and offering friendship of the heartfelt but humiliating kind.
This tale of one woman's plight to spice up her marital relations will have you either laughing at her misadventures or relating to her misguided but very real insecurities.