Friday, 11 July 2014

Creative time with my little girl

I am bursting with joy after parents evening.

Though Toddler Boy tipped up a huge box of train sets and pooed himself during our appointment I am pleased as punch to discover that my little Girlie Girl has inherited my love of drawing.

Her teacher said she loved Girlie Girl's pictures and could tell that she came from a 'language rich family', though between you and me, some of the the language can be a little too rich at times!

It inspired this little illustration...

 Drawing Time with Mum

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

Is my dog really my best friend?

I'm not sure I agree with the saying that a dog is your best friend.

Would a best friend not only tear your bin bags but deliberately strew the contents all over your lawn whilst eating at least 90% of the rotten bits?


A dog dosen't stop there in its pursuit of friendship. The same lovable rogue will then poo or puke the partly digested rubbish on the same lawn (I have actually watched in horror as my dog deposited an entire, barely chewed nappy!)

My lovely 'friend' will snuggle up with the pretence of having a lovely cuddle then either belch, fart or flick spit in my lap.

Would a best friend roll in shit then lie on your sofa?

Would a best friend poo on your lawn while you're actually mowing it or eat your favourite shoes?

Imagine having a dinner party and your best friend goes around sniffing bottoms and crotches?

I watched a dog plough into its owner, taking her legs clean out from under her. Did he help her to her feet, show any signs of remorse?


Instead he continued to chuck his ball at her face and bolt off to leave her to endure the indignity of being lifted from her dishevelled state, smeared in mud and covered in dog spit.

Would a best friend treat you like that?

I remember, when visiting relations, my grandad waxed lyrical about his dog Minty and her ever faithful loyalty. He went to great lengths stating that she never left his side, was good as gold and liked nothing better than to curl up on his lap.

As we drove away we wondered why our relatives waved quite so vigorously and seemed to be shouting.

It turned out my grandad's 'best friend' sat on the drive and watched him go. When he did the walk of shame to collect her she refused to get in his car.

Would a best friend do that?


But when I look into those big soulful eyes and stroke those soft, velvety ears, of course, even though he's a Doberman built like a brick privvy, he is my best friend.

Having said all that, it could be worse, you pet 'dog' could be like Humphrey in 'Odd Witch'...

Humphrey dines out on slugs and eye balls and retrieves people on park benches instead of sticks!

I have written and illustrated a whole children's book featuring Humphrey and other odd characters. It's available online at

Thursday, 19 June 2014

Why Does This Mocking Bird Kill Herself?

The Metamorphosis of Elissa Brown (currently available on Amazon

Melanie laughed gently at this last remark. As she threw her head back a little she glanced off Elissa’s shoulder. Elissa shivered, though it was certainly not cold. ‘Well, I better get back before the lunch break is over.’ She stood, retrieving her bag again. At the doorway she stopped, looked back and said, ‘You’re welcome to join us?’
Melanie did not reply. She did not look round but sat still as stone staring out over the low wall that gave way to the sheer cliff face. The wind picked up a little and just as Elissa thought to go, Melanie stood up and, in one swift movement stepped towards the wall, clambered onto it and stood tall and straight, arms outstretched.
Elissa’s heart leapt into her throat in an instance. Surely, Melanie did not intend to… Her internal thought stopped at the urgency, for Melanie was indeed leaning forward, bracing herself against the sudden stiff gale.
‘What are you doing?’ shrieked Elissa darting forward to pull the girl back. Her long fingers clutched at air. Melanie leapt from the wall, leapt forcefully so that she seemed to momentarily fly. She uttered something that was whisked away by the wind and was gone.
Elissa stared, rigid with shock, leaning over the battlement. The figure of Melanie Smythe, resembling a crumpled canary, was just discernable in the mud below. The bent pages of her book ‘To Kill a Mocking Bird’ fluttered like trembling angel wings on the flagstones by Elissa’s feet.

Why does this apparently contented teenager suddenly challenge the wind and plummet to her death? This signifies the start of a series of terrifying events for Elissa Brown...

Read more on Amazon

Thursday, 12 June 2014

To Spoon or not to Spoon

I'm guessing that the term to 'spoon' someone is derived from actual spoons. Being of the same shape a spoon will naturally fit snugly into another spoon rather like a person snuggling up to curl around their significant other like two spoons, a perfect fit.

If it is derived from cutlery then my husband and I are a knife and fork. 

For me there are a number of issues with spooning.

If you are the Spoon-er you will be faced with the problem of what to do with your arm. The free arm curls about your lover quite happily but, unless the other arm can be unscrewed and left on the side, it has nowhere to rest comfortably. It can go under your partner's neck but there will come a moment when it's necessary to try to extract this arm without waking your slumbering partner. You can squeeze this arm down your side and get pins and needles or you can put it in the really uncomfortable position above your head without jabbing your spouse with your elbow.

Should you be spooning someone with wind then there will be a moment when they fart in your lap and the stench ripples up between your pressed bodies to be released up your nostrils.

If you are the spoon-ee and like me have long hair you will find that your lovely curly tresses, much admired during the day become a choking hazard when spooning at night.

Generally humans do not fit together like spoons. It's also a safety hazard. Valuable seconds could be wasted disentangling ourselves if there were a fire or intruder in the middle of the night. 

It's like being clamped in a hot, sweaty human vice. 

Before marriage I spent most of my life being free to sleep as I choose and never felt the urge to wrap myself in a heavy, human sized teddy bear.

For me, the answer would definitely be not to spoon or as a compromise, set a time limit to finish spooning before pins and needles, sleep or leg cramps set in. 

Thursday, 5 June 2014

Incy Wincy can f**k off

A vivid imagination is not always a good thing...

Opened car door today to reveal a huge nest of baby spiders covering a vast majority of the interior. Shat my pants and swept them off with tissue and tried to release them into a nearby hedge. Job done...or was it?

For the rest of the day my mind repeatedly wheeled around the following ideas;

1) A host of spiders witnessed my clumsy attempt to 're-home' their next generation and mistook it as an attempt at mass annihilation and were now plotting their revenge. I pictured a multitude of fat, hairy Arachnida descending en masse to crawl on me, taunt me with their eight beady eyes and generally nest in all my nooks and crannies ready to leap out at me.

2) I'm convinced baby spiders are now nesting on my person. They will crawl up my nasal passage into my brain where they will make a web, grow fat and encourage flies up my nose to feast on. The result will be either madness induced by the incessant crawling sensations in my skull or a whole nest of baby spiders being born in my head and swarming out of every orifice in divine retribution.

Must go - after my tenth shower I intend to seal myself in cling film and hide in a cupboard with an industrial sized can of bug spray.

'Incy wincy spider climbed up my snotty nose,
Down came a sneeze and out the f**cker goes,
But this little beastie was such a frigging pain,
And promptly turned around to climb up my nose again.'

I may be found singing the above while rocking back and forth.

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Liebster Award Nomination

I've been nominated for a Liebster Award!

At first I had no idea what this was or what it entailed so after a little searching I'm following one set of rules our the many out there.

Firstly I was nominated by which is a lovely blog about being a mum and all the lovely things this entails. A big thank you for not only looking at my blog but deeming it worthy of recognition.

Here are my questions and answers:

1. Describe yourself in 3 words. 
 Haphazard, Daydreamer, Mum
2. Why did you start your blog? 
Since becoming a mum I've found other mum's blogs truly inspiring, reassuring and downright hilarious. I wanted a place to record my little world of motherhood. I love illustrating and writing and found having a blog inspired me to keep going even when all I fancied doing was sitting in front of the telly with a gin & tonic.
3. Do you feel pressured to keep it up to date?
Pressured is too harsh a word but I do feel a responsibility to those who have taken the time to read and respond. I like to blog once a week with my hopefully funny antics and artwork.
4. Where is your most favourite place in the world?
Our sofa with all of us on it.
5. What makes you the most happy?
Has to be my children - they are hilarious.
6. What or who inspires you?
Children's books, especially Babette Cole and Emily Gravett.
7. If you were stuck in a lift with anyone past or present, who would you want  it to be?
The Brothers Grimm
8. What is your favourite way to spend a Sunday?
Car boot and tea in the garden.
9. Do you have a hidden talent/party piece?
I can shape my tongue into three loops.
10. What is your signature scent?
Clinique 'Happy' at the moment.
11. What piece of advice would you give to someone who wanted to start up their own blog?
Definitely just go for it and be yourself.

Here are my blog nominations... - for an endearing and funny dad's perspective. - for good advice and personal experience of being a stay at home mum (like me). - a really lovely blog full of charming illustrations. - a pretty, well thought out blog with some great and funny writing about being a mum.

If the authors of these fabulous blogs would like to join in the Liebster experience then here is a wee set of questions for you...

1. What do you want to be when you grow up?
2. How would you rate your experience of blogging?
3. Why do you blog?
4. What would be your stuff of dreams?
5. What would be your stuff of nightmares?
6. If there is a knock at the door what would you most want to find on the other side?
7. What is your most embarrassing moment?
8. What advice would you give to someone starting out in the world of blogging?
9. What is your favourite food?
10. If you could choose 3 things to take to a desert islands what would they be and why?
11. Is there a book that you've read more than once and, if so, why?

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Life Goes on Without a Computer!

When a pop up on my computer took up two thirds of my screen and kept flashing that I could enlarge my nether regions with one click I had to admit that there was something wrong.

My fabulous Computeresque wizard took away the poorly machine for FIVE WEEKS!! yes... FIVE WEEKS!!!

In that time I have had little contact with online folk and now sincerely feel out the loop.

So here goes with my first foray back into the wonderful online world...

Daily Doings:

After spending hours covering his fruit and beans in netting to keep out the birds, hubby came in and announced that, not only could the little tweeters still get in under the netting but that he was now unable to get to the fruit himself to pick it. To his face I was full of sympathy, when he left I had a little chuckle to myself.

Spent a very frustrating hour and a half trying to do artwork this afternoon (whilst Toddler Boy had an unusually long nap). Had a very dubious picture at the end and a headache - bah!

I did peruse my old art folders to try to convince myself that I can still draw.

Found this little gem which reminds me of Girlie Girl and inspired a thought for the moment...

You'll never be bored if you love drawing.